Welcome back to the Mediterranean fever dream. Today, we are not talking about undertakers or painters. We are talking about the majestic, unbiased, and fiercely vigilant law enforcement of Malta—specifically, the local Police and LESA (Local Enforcement System Agency).

Or rather, we are talking about their incredible ability to go completely blind on a national level when it’s convenient.

Right next to my place in Xewkija, a new garage recently opened up. It is stuffed to the brim with UT10s — those ungodly, noisy, obnoxious off-road buggies that sound like a lawnmower fighting a garbage disposal. The noise alone is annoying, but that’s just standard island life. You learn to live with the constant auditory assault.

No, the noise isn't why I’m blogging today. The real comedy is in the license plates.

The QZ Loophole

Every single one of these roaring monstrosities has a "QZ" license plate. In Malta, a QZ plate means the vehicle is registered for leasing or self-drive rental. You rent it, you drive it. Simple.

However, the operator of this particular establishment has decided to get creative with the definition of "rental." He doesn't just rent them out; he runs guided tours.

Here is where the law is supposedly very clear: The moment you put a chauffeur or a professional guide behind the wheel of a commercial vehicle driving paying customers, that vehicle must have a "Y" license plate. Furthermore, the driver must possess the appropriate professional permits.

Officially, according to the paperwork, the guide cannot drive these QZ-plated vehicles.

But what can I say? Because they drag these things out of the garage every single morning right next to my house, I know every single guide by face. And every single time I am out and about on Gozo and see one of these tours rumbling past, who is sitting behind the wheel of the lead buggy? Exactly. The guide.

The Sound of Silence (From the Police)

Being a good, law-abiding resident (and perhaps slightly petty because of the noise), I decided to do the civic thing. I wrote a polite, detailed email to both LESA and the Police, pointing out this blatant daily violation.

The resulting action taken to stop this abuse?

Absolutely ZERO.

Nothing. Crickets. The tours continue unabated. The guides keep driving. The QZ plates remain bolted to the bumpers.

The Hypocrisy of the "Y-Plate Raids"

Now, you might think, "Well, maybe the police are just understaffed and don't care about license plate infractions."

Oh, they care. They care deeply — when it’s the right demographic.

Remember when the new regulations hit and all the Bolt and Uber drivers were forced to switch to Y-plates? The authorities suddenly morphed into a Mediterranean SWAT team. They conducted massive, coordinated raids. They were pulling cars over left and right, checking documents with hawkish intensity, and handing out fines like candy at a parade.

Why the sudden burst of aggressive enforcement? Because the vast majority of Bolt and Uber drivers are foreigners.

Maltese locals generally don't do jobs that require strict punctuality, customer service, and dealing with the chaotic island traffic on a tight schedule. So, when the targets were foreign workers trying to make a living, the full, uncompromising weight of Maltese law was brought down upon them.

But when a local business owner runs an entire fleet of illegal guided tours out of a garage in Xewkija? The authorities suddenly suffer from sudden-onset macular degeneration.

The Mgarr Harbor Comedy Show

But the absolute cherry on top of this corrupt little sundae? The logistics.

Where does this operator pick up his tourists for these highly visible, illegal guided tours?

Usually, right at the Mgarr harbor.

For those who don't know Gozo, the Mgarr harbor pick-up area is practically vis-à-vis the local police station. They are loading tourists into illegally operated vehicles right across the street from the cops. It’s not a secret operation; it’s a parade.

And the police? They just look at the boats, look at their phones, and let the island keep spinning.

God bless our Malta. Never change. (Actually, please change. Please.)